Matching and discernment

I had to send this email to our agency today:

I think we'd like to turn down the match with X and Y.

I used to advise people that if they weren't 100% comfortable with an adoptive match, then it's not the right one.  We've spent the last few days trying to put our feelings into words as to why we had hesitation with this match.  There's nothing on paper that we could pinpoint and that's why we spent a good bit of time convincing ourselves that this was the right match.

We never could figure out the cause for our hesitation but finally realized that we didn't need one.  This is likely to be our last embryo adoption match and we want to have no regrets going forward.

We finally realized that the hesitation meant we were not 100% behind this match.  And Bryan and I are both at ease requesting a different match.

Please give our regards and regrets to X and Y.


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It took me a while to remember and then to follow my own advice.  We received the potential match last week and spent a lot of time discerning.  There was nothing wrong with the match. Yet it somehow didn't feel right.

When you are buying a car or making a large purchase, you can chose something that is mostly right for the situation.  You can always trade it in later if circumstances change.

Adoption isn't like that.  If something isn't 100% right for your family, think very carefully before proceeding.  A child is not a purchase.  A child is a gift from God, a being who changes you at your very core, shaping you daily in what it means to be a parent.

And so we're still waiting.  I have full confidence that God will send us the right match at the right time.  And that He will send me the necessary patience.  And the wisdom to recognize the correct match.


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I realize my complaints about waiting seem petty to those in domestic or international adoption programs.  I recognize your wait times are unknown lengths and are excruciating.  I pray every day for waiting families.  And waiting children.