Conflict and the Eventual Resolution

Sorry for the absence.  I fully intended to hope back on with a "Biology Part II" right away.  And that entry does exist.  In the recesses of my brain.

I'm normally a keep quiet, don't over-commit myself sort of person so I can preserve a precious balance at home.  Well, something happened and I keep starting things.  Once I get into October, I'll have a little more perspective and a little more peace, but right now I'm starting a preschool co-op, restarting the Moms' Study Group at church, coordinating a group for an upcoming mud run, and trying to pull our adoption plans from the back burner back to the forefront.  And a couple other little things thrown in too (like finding an ipad game that I'll actually play, err, get totally sucked into (Mathdoku) and the ever present reading for entertainment).  So the ole blog has been a wee bit neglected lately.

Anyway...

Back to the title of this entry:  Conflict and the Eventual Resolution.

Once upon a time, way back in 2008, my hubby and I started the adoption process with our first home study.  And though we agreed on many many points, we disagreed on levels of racial openness.  Our disagreement was a thorn in my side.  Perhaps it should be more apt to say Bryan's inability to accept my point of view as his own caused great discord.  Hey, I'm just being honest here.

Time passed.

The topic of racial openness in adoption has come up again and again over the years.  I must admit, rather than trying to hear out my husband's point of view, I frequently just took everything he said as a personal offense. 

It wasn't.  And his views were valid.  I still disagreed, but I eventually matured to a point that I could see the validity of his opinion.

I think the last time we really hashed out this argument was around our last home study and beginning of our matching process this time around, so late 2012 or early 2013.  And we STILL DISAGREED. 

I did something most unusual for me - I stopped talking about it.  I stopped trying to force him to change his mind.  Instead, I began to pray that when the time was right, he would be open.

Time passed.

A week and a half ago, I read a blog advertising an urgent need for home study qualified adoptive parents.  I followed up on the situation:  an African American baby girl was just born and needed adoptive parents immediately.  Adoptive costs would be between 25k to 30k.

My heart just sunk. 

I still presented the information to Bryan assuming I knew what his response would be.  And I was right.  And wrong.  We don't have that sort of money.  We don't have enough resources to compile that sort of money.  It just wasn't going to happen.  (That's the part I was right on.)

But then I got my proverbial socks knocked off me.  Money was the ONLY STICKING POINT in that scenario; race was not an issue.  And, in further conversation with Bryan, it seemed as if this was old news to him and he had just accidentally forgotten to tell me that we were now on the same page. (!!!!!)

Long story short, we didn't move forward on that scenario but I was reminded once again to never underestimate the power of prayer (though the answers often come in their own time).

Discombobulated

Any way you look at it, I feel discombobulated.

I expected to be pregnant now.  I'm not.  My heart jumps a little bit any time I hear of an adoption opportunity, any type of adoption (domestic infant, sibling group, or embryo adoption).  I want to be a mom again so badly.  Cora and Mac want younger siblings badly.  Know of an adoption opportunity here in Texas?  Send me the details!

For the last month, my "down time" has consisted of packing most of our belongings into boxes as we prepared to move across town.  To relax, I'd put down the boxes and tape and research new furniture options instead.  We moved this past weekend and ordered new furniture yesterday.  What do I do with myself now?

Oh, yes, that's right.  Clean both houses and attempt to unpack our new house.  And entertain the kids who have been mysteriously waking up super early since we moved (their new room is just as dark and quiet as the old one). 

I'm not just tired, I'm weary.  To say the month of May has been stressful would be an understatement. 

Dear Lord, can June provide a respite from the stress?

I want to be a triplet momma

Though I do not show it, I feel things more acutely as a mother.

Back in 2009, in the time "before children", I knew each embryo we adopted was a person.  And yet it's not until now that I can SEE it.

I love these little lives even more because I can see, or at least, better imagine their existence.  Milk coma babies, snoring away - I've seen it.  Sweat tousled hair, arms flung over head in the depths of sleep - I've seen it.  Precocious mud splattered toddlers - I've seen it.  Therefore I can imagine all my adopted embryos this way.

I know now what I hope for, what realities I pray for when I pray for these embryos.  In a way, I may love these new embryos more, only because I love with a mother's affection whereas before I loved in desire to be a mother.  This is not to say that my "before children" affections were lacking, but more that my love "post children" has deepened, grown, and matured.  The growth of my family size has prompted the growth of my heart, of my capacity to love.

I pray that all of our adopted snowbabies may flourish, first through a healthy full term pregnancy, and then through an uneventful birth.  And then in daily life growing ever closer to God.

God alone knows how many of our adopted snowbabies will greet us here on earth.  Five are already in heaven, interceding on behalf of their adopted siblings. 

I cannot and will not envision life with anything less than triplets.    I cannot and will not even allow myself the "hope" that one or two may not make it.  Statistically, that's likely.  Morally and ethically, I am not a good candidate for embryo adoption if I go into it hoping not all survive.

So I pray for life.  For courage and strength (mental, physical, and spiritual).  I pray that I become a triplet Momma, because I can do no less.

Of course, it is only logical that prayers for strength, sanity, good helpers, and courage follow a prayer for triplets.

Lord, you alone know the strengths and concerns in our hearts.  Grant us life and the means to live in grace and with grace.

Discussing Adoption

We're just about the only family at our church Moms' Group that doesn't have a baby.  Cora and Mac both like babies, but Cora especially is in love with them. She asks, each time Moms' Group meets, if she can hold whichever baby I'm holding.  While you can't leave a two and a half year old unattended with a baby, Cora does very well with the non-walking crowd.  We have had a few discussions on how you can't force a crawling baby into your lap though...

For Cora and Mac's first birthday, I made them board books explaining in the most basic terms how they joined their family. You can see the transcript here.

As we've progressed in our current adoption, I've asked the kids if they want more girl babies or boy babies or both.  They definitely want both and are looking forward to teaching their new siblings all their current tricks.

Today's lunch was probably the most detailed adoption conversation we've had.  I can't remember how exactly the conversation started, but I remember several tidbits from the middle.

Me:  Most mommas and daddies can make their own baby seeds.  Daddy and I can't.  Sometimes other mommas and daddies have extra baby seeds and they decide to share.  That's what happened with yall.  Another Daddy and Momma named G. and T. had some extra baby seeds.  They loved them very much but couldn't use them.  So, after we signed lots and lots of papers and adopted you, G. and T. gave us the extra baby seeds.  A doctor put them in my tummy.  One baby seed was a Mac baby seed.  One baby seed was a Cora baby seed.

Mac:  When I get bigger, I'm gonna have baby seeds in my tummy.

Me:  Well, no, you can't.  Girls can become mommas.  Baby seeds only grow in a momma's tummy.  Boys can grow up to be daddies.

Cora:  I'm gonna have lots of babies in my tummy.

Me:  Would you like to have more brothers and sisters?  In one month, a doctor is going to put more baby seeds in my tummy.  Just like when we got you, we're adopting baby seeds from a family that has extra.  B. and S. love their baby seeds, but can't use them and so they're giving them to us. 

Cora:  sidetracked, asks about the fly buzzing about

Mac:  Tell me more about the babies!

Me:  We need to pray to God to ask that He help these little baby seeds live and grow and become big and strong.  All babies need God's help to grow.

Mac:  And we can teach them to ride bikes! 

Cora:  And I'll share my toys!

Me:  Well, remember, when babies are just born, they don't know how to do too much.  They can just eat, cry, sleep, and poop.  But when they get bigger, you can teach them.

The conversation then drifted off into pregnancy stories of Mac and Cora, tales of poop, and the whereabouts of one pesky fly.

Edited: Not What I Had In Mind

It looks like we'll be moving in the spring/summer 2012. 

~ we will have to attempt to sell our house

~ we might possibly lose our entire savings in selling our house

~ we might have to push adoption back indefinitely if our savings get wiped out



God works in wonderful, mysterious ways.  Right now I'm just seeing the mysterious side of things.

EDIT:  I guess we should feel fortunate that the military is giving us this much advance warning of the move.  Bryan has to attend a six month school here and then we'll move.  He only had 23 days notice for his deployment, so half a year notice is much better.  And renting is an option, if an appraisal comes back insanely low.  I'll just leave it that neither the military nor the economy is helpful when it comes to adopting!

Absence

My original goal in starting this blog was to publish about one post a week.  However, with my husband deployed (three months down, probably nine to go), sometimes life gets busy.  And then we had family visiting for the last week.  After being on my own with the twins, it was fantastic to spend time with family - so I didn't spend much time on the computer.

The twins' first birthday is approaching and I need to get one of their presents sent to the publisher.  Pint Size Productions lets you custom design a board book.  My goal is to present all of my children (present and future) with a "story of me" for their first birthday.  I'm not sure how long the turn around time is for the board book, so that is my next writing priority.  And then back to the blog!

I'm hoping to post a version of the "story of me" on here so you can get a feel for how we're introducing the concept of embryo adoption and adoption to our children.