Goverment Shutdown

Today is September 30.  I don't know if the government will shut down.  I don't know if we will receive our October 15 paycheck. 

I am not worried about our absolutely essential expenses.  Yet.  That time could come and come quickly.

Our November embryo transfer is not an essential expense.  And we're scheduled to start those appointments/payments/medications right before that potential delayed paycheck.

Bottomline, if our October 15 paycheck is delayed, the transfer must likewise be delayed.

*hissyfit off in the corner*



A general side note - the inadequacies of the government is forcing my husband to rethink the military as his long term career.  His motivation has never been love for the government or the Army.  The military has paid the bills and provided us reasonable health insurance.  Could you keep working for an employer who doesn't know how or when it'll pay its employees?

And, a side note to the Army, if my husband leaves, you will be loosing a GREAT Soldier.  Yes, I'm biased (I'm the wife, I'm supposed to be).  But I also know what his semi-annual or annual evaluative reports say.  And he is a GREAT Soldier.

Crossroads

While I never had my suspicions confirmed, I'm pretty sure the first genetic parents to consider our matching profile turned us down.  If I had to guess, I'd say our "rejection" was due to religious reasons.  Option A:  We're too religious.  Option B:  We're not religious enough.  Option C:  We're the wrong religion. 

                                                      Option D:  I look funny. 

Whatever their reasoning, I'm not actually bothered at all.  I'd argue that it's part of the genetic parents' responsibility to find suitable adoptive parents for their embryos.  That's not a decision that can be lightly made and I can only hope that they find peace in their decision.  That being said, I understand that not everyone can fully appreciate our awesomeness. ;-)

We're pretty openminded in our matching criteria.  We're open to most races and questionable family history/genetics don't scare us.  Oh, and we would prefer a semi-open adoption, mediated by the agency (with room for adaptation, per the children's request).  There are probably only two limiting factors in matching us:  we want a large enough embryo set to do another transfer down the road, a "sibling transfer"; and we do not want embryos created with donor gametes (donor eggs or donor sperm).  Well, I guess our religion limits us some too - there's one public profile on Snowflake's page that says "no Catholics".  It would stand to reason that there are more like-minded families that do not have public profiles.

Anyway, I got an email from the Snowflake Program Monday morning.  They said they'd met some roadblocks in honoring all our criteria and wanted to present us with some options (4 actually).  After much discussion and prayer, we're now angling down a slightly different path.  At this point we're now attempting to be matched with two families, each family having a smaller (single transfer's worth) of embryos.  Only one set of embryos would be thawed at a time, so while both sets would be adopted, one set would be "on hold" for a longer period of time.

I'm actually really excited about this option but know it could spell more of a logistical nightmare for the agency and potentially the clinic, depending on how picky the latter is.

While I don't have the foggiest idea who we will end up matched with, I did provide the Snowflake Program with some direction.  There are three profiles that caught our eye on the "waiting embryos" page.  I passed on these names to Snowflake for consideration:  "Kay and Fred", "Margaret and Charlie", and "Carl and Sadie". 

On top of all that hullabaloo (sp?), we also have had some minor drama with taxes and Bryan's job. 

Taxes - I think my dad saved us MAJORLY.  We've never filed before as rental property owners and, as best we can tell, our basic version of Ta.xcut, plus our inexperience with certain areas of filing, left us screwed over.  Enter my dad.  While I don't have the final numbers yet, I think my dad (tax guru to family and friends) saved the day!

Bryan's job - Big interview today at 1800 CT.  Numbers keep changing, but I think he's one of nine candidates for a very important slot.  This job would be fantastic for his career and would also bring us extra money.  But, it would be LOUSY for family life for the next twelve months.  I'm just praying that he interviews to the best of his ability while maintaining honesty about his personal needs/wants.

So, yeah, that's that.  My brain's been a little frazzled.  I'm trying hard not to be overwhelmed by the various and sundry "what if" scenarios my brain keeps throwing at me.  Personal prayer, Mass, social time, and wine have all helped me cope thus far...

 

And a step backwards. Or sideways, perhaps.

So remember how I just posted all glowingly about clinic two and how easy it was to make a choice between the two clinics we interviewed?

We have to go with clinic one now.

For some reason, clinic two more than doubles their frozen embryo transfer (FET) fees if you are using donor embryos.  Not that I have extensive knowledge on the topic, but  no other clinic that I have talked to doubles their fees for donor FETs.  The best price they could give me was around $4500.

In comparison, clinic one's estimated fees came back at under $2000 with our military discount.  After the kerfluffle with clinic two, I'm in the process of verifying that clinic one's fee estimate is indeed accurate for us.  But still.  A $2500 difference?!?

In other news, tomorrow I have a phone interview with the matching coordinator of the Snowflake Program.  I hopefully will also get to ask more about that possible match and about the scholarship (both mentioned last post).  Perhaps I'll find out if we'll even be eligible for the scholarship...

Money, blah blah yuck

Money is the worst part of adoption.  I read somewhere, that if it weren't for the money issue, there would be lines of people trying to adopt.  And yet, in most cases, there are far more children/embryos waiting than available adoptive families.

I get that the economy has tanked in the four years since we last went through this process.  Side note, can you believe that it's been four years?!  We had just entered into the matching process with the Snowflake Program around Christmas 2008...   I am finding that fertility clinic costs have gone way up.  Thank goodness the Snowflake Program is the same price (actually $500 cheaper for us, as repeat customers) and our home study was much cheaper this time with our current local agency.

There doesn't seem to be too much consistency from clinic to clinic.  Pricing, number of required clinic visits, medical protocol, the list of variables goes on.

I finally called and scheduled initial consults at the two clinics in the Austin area that will take embryos from another clinic.  I haven't even walked through the doors to the clinics and already I'm being hit over the head with numbers.  Am I delusional in thinking our initial consult in 2009 was free?

Isn't an initial consult a time for you to meet with the doctors, they sell you their schpiel, and, in general try to buy your business?  Why am I already having to shell out money?  $265 at one place and, after a 50% military discount, $167.5 at the next place all for initial consults. 

I can't get straight answers from the clinics over the phone.  I can't accurately compare prices, number of required visits (remember we're coming from approximately 1.5 hours away), and medical protocol.  All this means I have to schedule these initial consults to determine between these two clinics.

Money

Money

Money

I hate you,

you stink.




I promise, I will really try to not use this blog just for ranting.  Look, I'll even end on a bright side - I finished our matching family profile.  Wrote the whole thing on one weekend!  Granted, I did cheat a little.  I found our old profile from four years ago and salvaged what I could.  I sure sounded young and idealistic in 2008.  Not that I'm insinuating that I'm old and bitter now, just that I've grown a lot in the last few years...  I'm not as concerned that every single written phrase on our adoptive paperwork be precisely perfect, because I'm not precisely perfect.  This time 'round, I'd rather our paperwork be an accurate reflection of me/us, not an uber polished version where the gleam conceals my humanity.

Discernment and Patience

I, like most people, struggle with maintaining control over my life.  With infertility as a constant companion in our marriage, I have had to at least revise a lot of my ideas towards family size.  Our desires to grow our family are largely regulated by our finances, military life (deployments/moves), and paperwork. 

 

I want to control this current adoption process. I want to drive things forward at MY pace.  And yet my hands are tied by, among other things, money.  No matter how fast I send in paperwork, no matter how quickly we compile our personal narratives, we just don’t have the money to move many steps ahead in the process.

 

My advent prayers, specifically the St. Andrew Christmas Prayers, are requesting adoption discernment and financial assistance, and patience.  I hate praying for patience because virtues are learned through practice.  And my practice generally consists of my succumbing to impatience.

 

We’ve submitted our Snowflake Embryo Adoption application – mailed it yesterday.  And then I found out our coordinator is out of town for another week plus.  Perhaps my prayers for patience are already working since my first thought was a charitable “good for C.; she deserves a vacation!” and not the typical self-centered “rats! Now that’s additional time that I’m forced to wait before our file will even be considered.”  See, I am maturing, a little at a time.

 

I’m really very interested in a set of waiting embryos described online ("Joseph and Irina") but I’m not sure my motives are entirely pure (hence the prayers for discernment).  It’s a set of nine embryos which is higher number than we’d like.  We’d love enough embryos for a sibling transfer (meaning a transfer this spring and then enough embryos remaining for another transfer down the road).  This particular set of nine would entail four embryo transfers.  That’s a huge emotional, financial, and physical commitment. 

 

Nine embryos would also very likely spell the end of our adoption journey.  We would not need/want to adopt again.*  And, to be perfectly honest, that’s a bittersweet thought.  As much as I hate the paper-pushing and the financial requirements (and the endless waiting), I do love the element of surprise with adoption.  I have a growing, though perhaps unrealistic, interest in foster-to-adopt programs.  Adopting a set of nine embryos would definitively close that door.

 

Nightlight offers an adoption scholarship to qualified families for some sets of embryos (those considered harder to adopt).  This particular set of embryos meets those criteria.  Let’s be honest here, the idea of a financial scholarship is likely clouding my judgment. 

 

Bryan says no, nine is too many.

 

I say financial scholarship! 

 

Bryan says no, nine is too many.

 

I say no more home studies!

 

Bryan says no, nine is too many.

 

I say all our future children will be genetically related!

 

Bryan says… 

 

You get the idea.

 

So I pray for discernment, that my motives be pure.  I pray for financial blessings, that our tax return be prompt and contain what we need to cover our adoption expenses (or more!).  I pray, though I hate to do so, for patience. Because we all know I need it.

 

 

*I've elaborated previously on the potential perks of adopting a larger group of embryos.  Look about halfway down, starting a few paragraphs above the bullet points.

Little Update

Just a little update...

All our homestudy paperwork is in.  Bryan and I are fingerprinted (fastest process ever - all digital and not at a police station - took at most seven minutes). 

Our home visit is scheduled for Nov. 14, a two and a half hour interview of all of us by a social worker.  Though the agency doesn't technically interview children until they're three years old, it'll be interesting to see if our s.w. can get any coherent answers out of Cora and Mac.  I know they'll have lots to say while she's here; it just will be on their own terms and topics!

My personal goal is to submit our Snowflake Adoption application by December 3.  With luck, our final homestudy write-up will be completed by early December too.  This time frame hopefully will allow time for basic processing before the craziness of the holidays and then we can be matched early 2013.  At least I hope so.  Matching before Christmas would be breathtakingly fast, but we'll need our tax refund before we can move too much further in that process.

I found two fertility clinics in the closest big city that will accept embryos from another clinic.  I'll need to interrogate them, I mean, research them further and chose one.  Potentially we'll have our initial consultation in January, start meds in February, and transfer in March.  If everything runs smoothly.  If not, we just bump the timeline back accordingly.

Right now our only potential speedbump is finances.  Could you please say a prayer that we be granted precisely the money we need for this adoption, precisely when we need it?  Thank you!

ps.  I realize that prayer might be a little too vague for my comfort, knowing how God likes to interpret things His own way.  Feel free to be more specific when you and God have that chat.  ;-)

Interesting Possibilities

Being a military couple puts a damper on adoption.  In addition to working around finances, we have to struggle with adoption timing due to moves and deployments.  We couldn't start adoption two until the kids were at least nine months old.  Bryan was deployed then.  He came home in September when the kids were 14 months old.  The Army then told us we'd be moving in May.  While I appreciate the long notification, that just means that many more months to wait until we start the next adoption.  To make things even more complicated, embryo adoption is neither eligible for the federal adoption tax credit nor the military adoption credit.  So we will pay for each and every adoption we choose to do out of pocket.

When you add up all the expenses, it cost somewhere around $15,000 in order to bring home our twins (home study, snowflake adoption fees, transfer #1 (miscarriage), transfer #2, medications).  Now that I don't work for money (I'm never going to say being a stay at home mom isn't work!), it will be very difficult to finance subsequent adoptions. 

We will have a couple of financial breaks this time around though.  First, our next home study will be almost $2000 cheaper - different adoption agency.  Second, repeat patrons of Nightlight's Snowflake Adoption program receive a $500 discount.  Third, we learned last time that a frozen blastocyst transfer (embryos that are five or six days old) is a lot cheaper than those in the day one to three stage.  I believe this is because the clinic doesn't have to do as much to prep the embryos for transfer, but that's only my own semi-educated guess.  While we won't turn down embryos because of their development age, it is something to be mindful of...

Nightlight has had two webpages up that I've been checking over the months.  One is a page of waiting multi-ethnic embryos and another is a page of "special need" embryos.  (Sorry, I can't link to the multi-ethnic page currently - Nightlight is in the process of updating their website and they haven't added family profiles back to this page yet.)  All of these embryos are highlighted because they will be more difficult to place either because of race, number of embryos, or medical history.

One particular family caught my eye, "Sonya and Gary's" embryos.  They're listed on the page linked above.  The medical issue isn't a concern for us and eight blastocysts presents a very interesting hypothetical scenario.  I've already contacted the Snowflake program and gotten a little bit more information which has only increased my interest.

Blastocysts have much higher survival rates than less developed embryos.  You can look up statistics online, but our own personal story is pretty much on par with current success rates.  Our first transfer consisted of four embryos, all day one or two.  Two survived the thaw (50% survived thaw), one implanted (25% implanted), and we miscarried around eleven weeks.  Our second transfer consisted of three day six blasts.  All three survived the thaw (100%), and two implanted (66.6% implantation rate).  And our twins were born very healthy and full term.

"Sonya and Gary", pseudonyms, have eight day five and six blasts, frozen in four straws.  While it's not definite, one can assume that the embryos are frozen two in each straw.  When one adopts embryos through Nightlight's Snowflake program, the adopting family receives all of the embryos.  So one could thaw one straw at a time at the pace desired by the adopting family.

Way back when Bryan and I got married, we hoped for a large family.  I joked about having six to eight kids; he wanted a more conservative four or five.  When reality hit in the form of infertility, compounded by limited finances and military life, we realized our plans for a large family were almost definitely an impossible dream.  Adopting a larger set of embryos could prove to be a way to our original family goals.

At this point, Sonya and Gary's embryos present a hypothetical scenario, one that's provided some interesting converstations between me and Bryan over these last few days.  (Sadly, we're still months away from actually being able to adopt embryo at this point.  Darn move.) 

If we adopt a larger set of embryos:

• any remaining embryos after a transfer, whether or not the transfer itself results in a live birth, still remain ours
• we would not have to pursue a home study for each subsequent adoption
• we would have the freedom to pursue transfers on our own time, rather than factoring in an addtional six month plus period for a home study and matching
• we would only have to pay for a transfer (anywhere from $1500 - $3500) rather than the whole home study/adoption/transfer work-up

If we were to actually adopt Sonya and Gary's embryos (not outside the realm of possibility), we'd have to be mindful of all the probable outcomes.  A 100% success rate would mean all of the embryos would survive as we thawed and transferred them over the next 10 - 12 years bringing our family up to a total of ten children.  Wow!  For an infertile gal, that's mind-boggling.  ;-)  This would mean I would have born five sets of twins; wild, huh?!

If we used our previous statistics as an example, we could expect approximately two thirds of the embryos to survive.  Our family would grow by an additional five or six children.

Even if one looks at the national statistics for the survival rates of a single frozen blast (40.7% pregnancy rate), that would mean our family would potentially grow by at least three more children.

As I said earlier, it's simply mind-boggling.  I'll admit, Bryan's a little overwhelmed by the concept of eight blasts.  One of the caveats of embryo adoption is the statistics game.  While four more children is a fairly safe, easily comprehendable number, one must be aware that God alone knows how many children will result.  And, though not statistically likely, it could be eight.  Or none.

So now we're discerning.  In this hypothetical scenario, how many embryos would we be willing to adopt?  We hadn't fully considered the perks (though the word "perks" almost seems too crass to be used here) of adopting a large embryo set.  Essentially a larger embryo set would allow us to grow our family on our own time, a thing unheard of for a couple limited by infertility.

My brain is simply swimming.  On top of thinking about renting our house, packing, and driving halfway across the country with toddlers, I'm now adding hypothetical adoption questions to the mix.

Jesus, I trust in you.  I must say this dozens of times each night, when I'm trying to force my overactive brain into submission and let sleep take over.  Jesus, I trust in you.