Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Transfer

Today I am pregnant. Who know what tomorrow may bring?  I won't know anything one way or another until late next week.  But today I am pregnant.

We transferred one beautiful day six blastocyst.  One embryo did not survive the thaw.

I mourn the loss of that little one.

Even the kids feel that loss. "What, you mean there's only one baby?  I thought we each would get our own baby to hold!"

I'm sorry, I really am. I wish both had survived the thaw, that both were starting to nestle in.  It feels so cold and heartless, undignified even, that an embryo should reach its end in a Petri dish, rather than in a womb.  Not that I'd chose death at all, but when it happens, I'd prefer it to be with the utmost dignity.

I was fixating a lot on the one lost rather than the one inside me. And then I realized while praying with the kids tonight, that I am precisely where God means me to be.  I don't understand His ways, umm, pretty much ever.  But I keep trying. And I know that He has hand-picked this scenario for us, these adopted embryos for us.  I am their mother, even if it is for only the briefest of whiles.

Thank you all for your prayers, your kind words and encouragement.  I seemed to get little love notes all day long, through text, email, and Facebook.  Thank you.


  1. I didn't realize how sad I would be about the embryos we lost in thawing. I agree with your sentiments about the difficulties of knowing they died in thawing vs. inside me and that I rarely understand God's ways (but know His ways are higher than mine). I am so hopeful that the little one who was transferred snuggles in for a healthy 9 months!

  2. In my past transfers, I have been mostly focused on whether it worked or not. But I love that you say "I am their mother, even if it is for only the briefest of whiles". I have to remember that for myself.

  3. Good Luck! I hope you receive Happy news in the next two weeks :)

  4. My husband and I had two donated embryos transferred on May 2nd. Only one survived. There is an empty gestational sac for the other... " A vanishing twin". I am a Catholic too. I felt guilty that the one didn't survive. I'm the one that had it thawed. I know it didn't have much hope otherwise, so that's how I deal with it.