Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Results are in

And they are negative.

Not pregnant.

I feel battered, betrayed even.  I felt pregnant this time.  And yet I'm not.  Apparently even my mother's intuition is jacked up.

Why would God call us so strongly to this path and then break me so many times?

I now have twelve babies in heaven, five from 2009 and seven from 2013 - 2014.

After each failed transfer or miscarriage, I ask how much more can I take???  I ask rhetorically, because that's not a question I want answered.  And then LOSS happens again.  Apparently God thinks I am so much stronger than I feel.

I wanted each of these children selfishly.  I want a baby to grow within my womb, to experience the joys of new life again, and share these joys with my husband and twins. 

I also wanted each of these children with the most noble of desires, to free them from their frozen stasis.  To return them, as much as possible, to a life of dignity.  Yes, Heaven is clearly a life of highest dignity.  I just wish they spent more time with me first.


  1. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

  2. I will pray for your strength because you love the forsaken like Christ does. You wrap your little souls in a great love as they go to Jesus' arms wiping the pain of abandonment, a love created because you are willing to take on the chance of experiencing a mother's worst fear.