A child-like hope

First off, I want to say thank you for the kind words and prayers following my last post.  I am, a week later, feeling like myself again.  I can smile and laugh and breathe.  Whew.

On to other matters.  Twenty-two days.  Three weeks and one day.  We will meet our next frozen two in just a shade over three weeks.  While the numbers seem fairly close, the proximity of the transfer hasn't quite hit me yet.  Perhaps because I haven't flipped to that calendar month yet.  tomorrow...

The kids have decided to name these two waiting embryos Habeep and Bappio. These are names of their own creation and they're so delighted to add in Habeep and Bappio to our nightly prayer intentions.  I've been informed that Habeep is a boy and Bappio is a girl.

The child-like trust amazes me. Cora and Mac have sincere hope that they will meet their two siblings face to face sometime after their fourth birthday.  (My due date will be August-ish; their birthday is July).

As an adult, I find myself made cautious by prior failings.  I want to qualify everything with an "if" or "maybe".  Instead I am finding myself fascinated by the hope of children. 

Cora and Mac hope and pray completely for their waiting baby seeds.  Though they experienced sorrow with me in May after the failed transfer, their hope is not dampened. 

They hoped in May for siblings that they could meet and hold and snuggle.  And they grieved the loss of those three baby seeds. 

Here we are again, months later, and Cora and Mac can once again hope fully.

Typical adults would hold back some of their hope, their dreams after prior failures.  There is pain following the loss of a dream.  An adult sees that, remembers that, and proceeds forward guarded.  A child sees that, remembers that, and proceeds forward holding nothing back. 

While I teach my children much about the terminology and biology of adoption and embryo adoption, I am learning too.  Learning about love and hope, how to hope fully with my whole being.  And sometimes, I think they are the better teachers.

Keeping it real

Yesterday I took my last birth control dose.  It's just a small little pill but oh my gosh does it wreck havoc on my system.

When I was doing my prep for our May transfer, I noted that the birth control pills turned me into kind of a psycho b*tch.  It could have been the stress of the transfer and our local move too, but I was not pleasant to be around. 

I was so fearful that I would have the same reaction this time.  In the beginning, I didn't.  Nope, I had nausea, a near fainting spell, and more nausea for the first five of the seventeen days.  I experimented with the timing of the pill, hoping maybe I could find the perfect window that would alleviate those symptoms.  Things did improve.

I've been staying busy and didn't really notice that psycho b*tch was coming back.  Apparently she made a more subtle appearance this time.

I realized today that I can't remember the last time I laughed.  And that parenthood is kicking my behind.  And that if I can't handle the drama of two three year olds, how on earth will I be able to handle homeschooling one day.  And I'm so tired all the time, even though I'm sleeping okay at night.  And that I just want to be alone. 

I realized last night that I feel like I have a screw in my back that's being cranked tighter and tighter and tighter. 

I've always been more serious, more melancholic even, but this?  This is not normal me.  This, I realized in the shower tonight, is a depressed hormonal me, resulting from the bcp's. 

My kids have suffered in the lack of a mom who smiles and laughs and rolls with the punches. 

My husband has suffered in the lack of a wife who is considerate and patient.

My parents are visiting and must think that if I can't find joy in my own two kids, why am I seeking more?

And I want to shout, that's not me!  I'm beating on the walls of this glass case I feel trapped within - let me out!  Let me live my life again!



Before you become too concerned for my mental sanity, let me point out that I will be getting some me time tomorrow.  I took my last dose of the bcp's yesterday and hope and PRAY that my sense of humor and ability to breathe return.  I was on the receiving end of quality snuggles with the kids tonight and even got to hold a sleeping child.  Nothing more serene than that.

I have hope that my hormonal and emotional balance will be righted.  Can you spare a prayer or two that God will help me kick psychotic b*tch to the curb?  It's not really a persona I wish to keep around.




PS.  Thank you for your prayers regarding the embryo transport lack of communication.  Communication has been resumed and we're able to move forward.

Increasingly antsy

The clinic contacted me last week so I could get the ball rolling on shipping the embryos from the genetic family's clinic to ours.  I don't have to do much really, just make sure the agency and the clinic are communicating with each other.

Basically, the clinic said, "we're ready!"  (Last Monday)

And I told the agency, "go!" (Last Monday)

And nothing happened.

I did get an email confirming my request for shipment and that someone would be contacting me soon to line it all up.  (Last Tuesday)

Nothing.

I reached out to both clinic and agency last Friday, to see if maybe they were working out details without me.  I'm not the clinic's first Snowflake patient; there is already an established relationship between the two entities.

Nothing.

I emailed the clinic again this morning (Tuesday). Got an answer - shipping coordinator has heard nothing on her end.

I emailed the agency again this morning.

Nothing.

I'll give them one more day and call Thursday.  This is my fourth transfer over the years to orchestrate with the agency so I can honestly say this is uncharacteristic behavior for them.  Regardless, I can't help but wonder, where are my embryos?!

Could you please say a quick prayer that these communication difficulties be resolved quickly?  As my title indicates, I'm getting increasingly antsy.  Thank you!

And We're Off!

First prescription was called in for our next embryo transfer!

Start birth control tomorrow.  Lucky for me, I only have to endure bc for about two weeks and then I get to drop that evil to the curb (based on last time, I'm not a nice person to be around while on bc).  Then, a few days later, I'll start adding in the cocktail of estrogen and, a bit later still, progesterone to ready my womb for our two waiting snowbabies.

Reminder - since we are not doing a natural transfer (one timed precisely with my own cycles), the clinic manipulates my cycles through the use of hormones.  This clinic uses birth control; my Virginia clinic used lupron injections.  Some places use a combination of both lupron and birth control.

November 22 is the day!  Prayer warriors, start your engines!

And, tentatively speaking, it looks like I'll get to do my beta check (first pregnancy test) while we are taking a mini-family vacation.  We've decided to go more for memories rather than items for Christmas this year and are taking the kids to Great Wolf Lodge for one night (thanks Zulily for the discount!).  And as our little trip coincides with my beta test, I'll get to scout out labs in the Dallas area.

I'm in an interesting place mentally.  I've been longing for more children for so long now yet I'm emotionally guarded after our last failed transfer.  There's a big race that I hope to compete in in May if I'm not pregnant.  Yet I want very much to be pregnant.  I want these "baby seeds" to live.  I have no idea what will happen next on our journey to grow our family if this transfer fails or if I miscarry.  Basically, my brain works this way right now:  Option A:  transfer is a success - healthy pregnancy!  Option B:  not pregnant - compete in Spartan Race in May with group of friends. 

Option A is preferred, but Option B sounds like great fun other than the whole "not pregnant" part.  :-/

So I get to wait and see how the future unfolds.  One of these days, I'll really learn just how little control I have over it AND how everything works out okay in the end.

Please don't think I'm equating pregnancy or future motherhood with a race.  Pregnancy is always on my mind but intangible at the moment and for an unknown future length of time.  I just competed in a little mud run at the end of September, that is more "real" to me right now.  Not better by any means, just more tangible.  I can work towards a race - I have more control over that outcome.  A pregnancy?  A successful FET?  Those are things I cannot control, despite my efforts.

So much for a nice, chipper post, sorry about that.  At any rate, we're off again!  Revving up the engines, prepping for embryo transfer number four.  God, please hold those little "baby seeds" in Your hands.  Please hold all of us in Your hands!