Yesterday I took my last birth control dose. It's just a small little pill but oh my gosh does it wreck havoc on my system.
When I was doing my prep for our May transfer, I noted that the birth control pills turned me into kind of a psycho b*tch. It could have been the stress of the transfer and our local move too, but I was not pleasant to be around.
I was so fearful that I would have the same reaction this time. In the beginning, I didn't. Nope, I had nausea, a near fainting spell, and more nausea for the first five of the seventeen days. I experimented with the timing of the pill, hoping maybe I could find the perfect window that would alleviate those symptoms. Things did improve.
I've been staying busy and didn't really notice that psycho b*tch was coming back. Apparently she made a more subtle appearance this time.
I realized today that I can't remember the last time I laughed. And that parenthood is kicking my behind. And that if I can't handle the drama of two three year olds, how on earth will I be able to handle homeschooling one day. And I'm so tired all the time, even though I'm sleeping okay at night. And that I just want to be alone.
I realized last night that I feel like I have a screw in my back that's being cranked tighter and tighter and tighter.
I've always been more serious, more melancholic even, but this? This is not normal me. This, I realized in the shower tonight, is a depressed hormonal me, resulting from the bcp's.
My kids have suffered in the lack of a mom who smiles and laughs and rolls with the punches.
My husband has suffered in the lack of a wife who is considerate and patient.
My parents are visiting and must think that if I can't find joy in my own two kids, why am I seeking more?
And I want to shout, that's not me! I'm beating on the walls of this glass case I feel trapped within - let me out! Let me live my life again!
Before you become too concerned for my mental sanity, let me point out that I will be getting some me time tomorrow. I took my last dose of the bcp's yesterday and hope and PRAY that my sense of humor and ability to breathe return. I was on the receiving end of quality snuggles with the kids tonight and even got to hold a sleeping child. Nothing more serene than that.
I have hope that my hormonal and emotional balance will be righted. Can you spare a prayer or two that God will help me kick psychotic b*tch to the curb? It's not really a persona I wish to keep around.
PS. Thank you for your prayers regarding the embryo transport lack of communication. Communication has been resumed and we're able to move forward.