I, like most people, struggle with maintaining control over
my life. With infertility as a constant
companion in our marriage, I have had to at least revise a lot of my ideas
towards family size. Our desires to grow
our family are largely regulated by our finances, military life
(deployments/moves), and paperwork.
I want to control this current adoption process. I want to
drive things forward at MY pace. And yet
my hands are tied by, among other things, money. No matter how fast I send in paperwork, no
matter how quickly we compile our personal narratives, we just don’t have the
money to move many steps ahead in the process.
My advent prayers, specifically the St. Andrew Christmas
Prayers, are requesting adoption discernment and financial assistance, and
patience. I hate praying for patience
because virtues are learned through practice.
And my practice generally consists of my succumbing to impatience.
We’ve submitted our Snowflake Embryo Adoption application –
mailed it yesterday. And then I found
out our coordinator is out of town for another week plus. Perhaps my prayers for patience are already
working since my first thought was a charitable “good for C.; she deserves a
vacation!” and not the typical self-centered “rats! Now that’s additional time
that I’m forced to wait before our file will even be considered.” See, I am maturing, a little at a time.
I’m really very interested in a set of waiting embryos
described online ("Joseph and Irina") but I’m not sure my motives are entirely pure (hence the
prayers for discernment). It’s a set of
nine embryos which is higher number than we’d like. We’d love enough embryos for a sibling
transfer (meaning a transfer this spring and then enough embryos remaining for
another transfer down the road). This
particular set of nine would entail four embryo transfers. That’s a huge emotional, financial, and
physical commitment.
Nine embryos would also very likely spell the end of our
adoption journey. We would not need/want
to adopt again.* And, to be perfectly
honest, that’s a bittersweet thought. As
much as I hate the paper-pushing and the financial requirements (and the
endless waiting), I do love the element of surprise with adoption. I have a growing, though perhaps unrealistic,
interest in foster-to-adopt programs.
Adopting a set of nine embryos would definitively close that door.
Nightlight offers an adoption scholarship to qualified
families for some sets of embryos (those considered harder to adopt). This particular set of embryos meets those
criteria. Let’s be honest here, the idea
of a financial scholarship is likely clouding my judgment.
Bryan says no, nine is too many.
I say financial scholarship!
Bryan says no, nine is too many.
I say no more home studies!
Bryan says no, nine is too many.
I say all our future children will be genetically related!
Bryan says…
You get the idea.
So I pray for discernment, that my motives be pure. I pray for financial blessings, that our tax
return be prompt and contain what we need to cover our adoption expenses (or
more!). I pray, though I hate to do so,
for patience. Because we all know I need it.
*I've elaborated previously on the potential perks of adopting a larger group of embryos. Look about halfway down, starting a few paragraphs above the bullet points.
