Fears

We were overjoyed to get positive pregnancy test results Dec. 23.  And even more delighted to find out the numbers were climbing accordingly based on my subsequent tests.  Apart from those initial two tests three days apart, I've been getting bloodwork done weekly, monitoring my hcg levels and my estrogen and progesterone.

I've had some bleeding issues and have been relatively quiet.  Sorry for the lapse in blogging.  I want to worry and I want to be brave.  I want to cry and instead I try to repeat "I trust in You, Jesus". 

Today, I have dipped into tears and fear.  Today is different.  I've felt pregnancy symptoms every day this week, including this morning.  And then I started bleeding right before lunch. Cramps and clots and blood.  And I can't stop the fears of miscarriage.  I can't ignore the reality I fear is unfolding before my eyes.

My hcg levels have been high enough that they are very comparable to my pregnancy with Cora and Mac.  I've felt strongly that both Habeep and Bappio have been on board. 

I just had my bloodwork run yesterday.  Everything was normal.  And yet this, this is not.  I am so positive that I have just ushered on one or both babies to their eternal home.  And I don't want to say goodbye.  I barely said hello.

Tomorrow I go in for my first ultrasound.  I have no idea what we'll find.  If anything. 

Please pray for me, for us.