7 Quick Takes - the mixed up jumbled up edition

 

 

1.  By now, the news of the Lewis' Family tragedy has spread across the nation.  Sean graduated with me from UD and Becca graduated two years after us.  Even though we weren't super close, their tragedy has permeated my life since I first heard Tuesday morning.  I know I am not alone.  Any parent cringes to the depths of their soul at the possibility of losing a child.  And one doesn't have to be a parent to feel their pain.  While the tragedy is completely heart wrenching, the response across the nation has been almost equally mind-blowing.  Love has literally rained down upon this family.

•  Two fundraising sites raised $145,000. These funds are going towards the funerals, travel, legal fees, grief counseling/support, and more.               
•  A year long prayer chain has been set up for them.  Please view this sign up for more information or to sign up.
• There is an evolving website that will coordinate support efforts after the funeral.  It is my understanding that even families who are not local can still provide support in some way or another. 
• There are prayer vigils and Masses being organized across the nation for the family.

 

•  
 
• Originally, the funds collected were primarily going towards the medical expenses.  Imagine my amazement when I learned last night that donors of Wyoming Catholic College and insurance will be completely taking care of the bill.  Preliminary estimates had been in the $80,000 range, so this is no small feat.
   

2. I don't really know how to segue from item number one.  So I'll leave this here as a moment of silence and prayer.

 

 

 

 

3.  You know, I thought I had a vague idea of what the military's plans were for my husband for the next few years.  It seems, however, that budget cuts are directly affecting him.  The time between promotion boards is expanding because the military doesn't have the funds to promote with their same frequency (and pay the subsequent salary increases).  This means that though I thought we'd be here until Fall 2015 and then to Leavenworth, KS for school, there may be one more stop in between.  We're in a weird quandry where the military doesn't have the money to PCS families(permanent change of station - move to a new assignment) yet they still say that persons of Bryan's rank can't stay in one place too long. 

 

 

4.  It was my turn to teach preschool last week - letter S.  Our craft ended up pretty easy and actually pretty, even after the three and four year olds used their "crafting magic" on it.  Amazing what classic art can do for a project! 

 

 

 

5.  I hate paying full price for things.  I guess I inherited a sense of frugality, shall we call it, from my dad.  At any rate, I've been pretty thrilled with four different consignment websites I've found.  They're not new in existence, but they're new to me.  And I can buy brand names in great condition for an amount I'm happy to pay. 

• Flipsize - this website is for newborns on up to children's size 10.  I've bought a lot on here and have been mostly happy with my purchases.
• Dashing Bee - this website is for newborns on up to children's size 14.  I've bought a smaller selection of items here (usually only when they're doing their season end clearance) but have been very happy with my purchases.
• Twice - this website is for women.  I haven't bought anything from here yet, but I really love that their website even provides the measurements for items of clothing.  We all know that an 8 is not an 8 across the board, so this is a very helpful feature.
• ThredUp - I'm expecting my first package today or tomorrow and I'm very excited.  This site has clothing for children, juniors, and women, and shoes for all the aforementioned categories.  They have huge selections AND a free 30 return policy.  AND if you click the hyperlink I provided, you'll get an additional $10 off your first purchase.  ;-) 

6.  Embryo adoption news - I haven't forgotten the original purpose of this blog.  WE ARE MATCHED!!!!  Two families, each having two embryos.  One family created their embryos in 2007 and had two children (two separate transfers) before they chose to give up their embryos due to medical problems.  The other family created their embryos in 2008.  They have three children, but only one is from this embryo set (one child via traditional adoption, one from this embryo set, and one surprise natural conception).  We are proceeding towards a transfer in June and will use the older set first.  Whew!


7.  I guess I don't technically have seven quick takes.  However, all my bullet points have to count for something, right?

 

 

 



7 Quick Takes - A Day Late

I figured I'd jump on this bandwagon too.  Whatever gets me writing, right?  Please forgive the fact that the link is for Friday and today is Saturday.  We can just overlook that minor detail.  ;-)

1.  The Moms' Group I coordinate has infrequent Sunday evening potlucks.  We all like them, it just seems to take a lot of effort to coordinate and host one.  And then the majority of us are married to either military or military support which means there are always some husbands traveling.  I miss our whole family gatherings and have been scheming up a plan for the next one.  Right now it looks like it might be a potluck-eating-Frozen-watching (kids) - pajama wearing (kids again) - board-game (parents) evening.  I'm trying to decide if I'm biting off too much or if it will work.

2.  The rocker/glider in my bedroom is normally covered in clean clothes waiting to be returned to closets and dressers.  [real world confession]  I've been a little more on top of the laundry lately which means the rocker can be used again.  By Mac.  I've caught him numerous times rocking the baby dolls and singing them lullabys.  Lullabyes?  I'm not actually sure how to make that plural.  My heart swoons a little.  How can it not when a big clunky three year old boy cradles babies and sings to them when he thinks no one is looking?

3.  Cora has been perfecting her signature.  Currently it's capital c, capital o, capital r, lower case a  except she has a non-traditional way of writing her R - a high circle with two lines coming down from it to form the R legs.  I haven't really worked on penmanship at all with them, so it's interesting to see the natural evolution of letter formation.

4.  Our home parish is about a 25 minute drive away on weekdays.  The kids and I just can't make Holy Day services there so we go to a closer parish that has better times.  The kids behaved surprisingly well at the Ash Wednesday Mass.  After Mass, an old man stopped me on the way out  and said "You should write a book."  "Oh?" was my puzzled response.  "Yes," he responded, "you should write about how to get children to behave in church."  I smiled, blushed, and thanked him.  "Today was just a good day for us."  And that's the truth.  In all my infinite wisdom, I have learned that child behavior in Mass is somewhat the luck of the draw.  And that kindly old man had luckily not observed the days when a certain young female acts demon possessed and stops the homily with her foul behavior.  Still, it felt nice to get a compliment.

5.  I don't often talk about the dog.  Figured it was time to mention him a bit.  Hank, the Great Dane, is a stereotypical Dane.  He's fairly gentle, though clumsy, and loves kids and people-food.  The latter can be problematic.  Several times after clearing plates down the disposal, I've caught the dog with his front paws on the counter, staring forlornly down the drain.  Guess he would prefer all food scraps went into his bowl, rather than the garbage disposal. 

6.  Changing gears back to embryo adoption.  The agency decided to pursue matching us with two smaller sets of embryos (each family has two embryos for a total of four, or enough for two transfers), so our profile is out to both families now.  Matching with two families simultaneously is harder to coordinate.  We'll just have to see how things play out!

7.  I really loved today's Lenten reflection from flocknote, especially as we continue this very long journey towards growing our family again.

Excerpt from the Diary of St. Faustina:

Although it seems to me that You do not hear me, I put my trust in the ocean of Your mercy, and I know that my hope will not be deceived (Diary - 69).
 

Meditation:

My Jesus, when I repeatedly ask You for something and I get no reply and nothing seems to change in my life, I fear that You are not there. I grow discouraged and I feel alone. Help me to trust in You in the midst of the darkness. Teach me how to walk by faith and not by sight. I place my hope in You, and I believe that Your love and mercy are as deep as the ocean. There is nothing that is beyond Your power. Strengthen my faith, O Lord!

- Fr. Joseph Roesch, MIC

Mini Matching Update

Many many emails have been exchanged between Snowflakes and us these past few days.

The matching coordinator sent us four potential matching scenarios (one individual family and three combination possibilities) that met both the clinic's preferences and our initial criteria (vitrified blasts from 2007 or more recent).  We saw no need to eliminate any of those possibilities and let the matching coordinator figure out which route she wanted to try first.  (Two of the embryo sets had issues in familial health backgrounds, hence one of the reasons she wanted our general approval...)

There was a certain relief in letting the matching coordinator chose the starting point for us.  We felt ourselves tempted towards that slippery slope of objectifying the embryos, based on their on-paper desirability.  And we didn't want to get caught up in treating them merely like commodities. 

The single family turned us down.  Though I don't know the exact reason, I do know they had preferred an adoptive family with zero children. 

It's challenging for the matching supervisor to coordinate a match with two donating genetic families at once (two smaller sets of embryos from completely separate families).  In an effort to make things easier on all of us, I asked her to look and see if there are any waiting embryos sets that are slow-freeze blasts, instead of vitrified.  And that's where we are now - waiting for her answer.

I trust we will, one day, find the right match for us.  I am so thankful the matching coordinator doesn't mind my flurry of emails and is generally prompt in her replies!

Revisions

In the infant adoption world, adoptions can be termed "high risk" or "low risk" based on your chances of actually keeping the baby.  "High risk" means someone is, or is likely to, contest the adoption.  You may or may not have a take home baby.  "Low risk" means every biological family member is on board with the adoption and the chance it will be contested is slim to none.  You have a much greater chance of receiving a take home baby.

That's kind of how I've been viewing our adoption attempts so far.  We've been very open-ended with our adoption preferences and as a result, been paired with "high risk" scenarios.  Older genetic mothers, older embryos,... And we are tired of that.  (We turned down another match last week.  Among other concerns, all six embryos were frozen in a single straw.  That meant, assuming more than two survived the thaw (clinic will only transfer two at a time), we'd have to refreeze some.  A resounding NO for us.)

This is likely to be our last attempt at embryo adoption, at least for the foreseeable future, so we want a "low risk" match.  Trust me, the agency has them.

Bryan and I then spent the weekend deliberating just what "low risk" meant to us so I could communicate clearly to the agency. 

We finally decided to send this:

Bryan and I have spent the weekend talking and praying about how we want to redirect our snowflake search.

Upon inquiry, the clinic stated they prefer "perfected vitrified embryos from 2011 or more recent" but I know that's a very limited window.

Our clinic will not transfer any more than two embryos per transfer.  And we don't want to refreeze any embryos.

We'd like to refine our search to embryos created in 2007 or more recent.  And we would like a total of 3 to 6 blasts, frozen one or two per straw.

Otherwise, our preferences are the same. Still no egg or sperm donors.

If we cannot make a match with a single family, we would be willing to match with two families.

It took Bryan and me a while to realize why we had been just generally uncomfortable with the two proposed prior matches.  And we realized that, ultimately, the potential for loss was just too high for our current threshold.  And a revision of our preferences became necessary.



A couple of explanations about the language and terminology:

"Vitrification" is a relatively new method of freezing embryos.  It "came on the scene" around 2010 and has been growing in popularity ever since.  Vitrification is "flash freezing" whereas the more common, older model is a slow-freeze.  As best as I can tell, the single greatest advantage to adopting vitrified embryos is the thaw success rate is much higher - about 92% to 95% of vitrified embryos survive the thaw.  There is nothing wrong with slow-freeze methods and some clinics are not equipped to handle vitrification (either the freezing or the thawing). 

"Two's the limit."  Most clinics these days are doing what they can to limit multiple births as these can pose great risk to both the babies and the mother.  The safest method is to only transfer one or two embryos at a time. 

"2007 seems random!"  And it is, sort of.  Best case scenario, we would love to be able to get two or three transfers out of this next adopted set of embryos.  We'd like to keep the batch of embryos at ten years old or less.  If we're planning on two transfers, one in summer 2014 and the second (assuming a healthy live birth followed the 2014 transfer) in maybe 2017.   A 2017 transfer would make those remaining embryos 10 years old.  Ten years is a sort of arbitrary number, but we had to chose something for clarity's sake when communicating with the adoption agency.

"Blasts" are also known as "blastocysts".  This is the term used to describe embryos at days five and six of development, and anywhere from 35 to 250+ cells (this number is greatly variable). They are getting ready to hatch and attach to the uterine lining.  Though there isn't much empirical evidence stating "blasts" are stronger than "Day 3's" (the other common embryo transfer point), we personally have had greater success with blastocysts.

Any other questions? 

Embryo Adoption Services of Cedar Park Program Facts (Part 3 of 3)

7 posts in 7 days link-up - day 6

EMBRYO ADOPTION SERVICES OF CEDAR PARK

PROGRAM FACTS

 

Program criteria:

·         Heterosexual married couple

·         Married at least three years

·         Undergo and pass a home study

·         A doctor’s note stating there are “no contraindications to pregnancy” is necessary for potential adoptive mothers

 

Program entails:

·         Mutual matching services (more on that later)

·         Mediation services between both genetic and adoptive parties (optional post birth)

·         Average of two to four month wait for matching.  The more open one’s preferences, the faster the match.

·         Please view the fee link below for a more detailed list of services provided by Cedar Park

 

Fee Schedule:

·         http://adoptembryos.org/our-program/our-fees/

·         In short, Cedar Park’s fee is $5175 ($375 application fee and $4800 program fee).  This fee covers matching, counseling, communication mediation, and records keeping.

·         The fee does not cover the required home study, the embryo transfer, or the necessary medications.

·         Cedar Park offers an optional in-house home study for $1400, if desired.

·         There is no additional fee if you need to be rematched (in the event the first set of embryos and subsequent transfer(s) did not result in live birth).

·         You do not owe Cedar Park anything if there are embryos remaining from your match after a successful pregnancy.  All embryos in a set are considered yours and you may transfer them at a convenient time.  You do need to notify Cedar Park of the outcome of subsequent transfers though.

 

Matching Facts:

·         They have a limited amount of multi-ethnic embryos (there is limited availability of these nationwide – Cedar Park seems to be about average)

·         The mutual matching process is facilitated by the Cedar Park staff.  The staff presents genetic parents with a potential adoptive family’s profile.  Cedar Park has already screened both parties ensuring all basic preferences are met.  Genetic parents (GP) say yes or no to match.  If yes, the adoptive family will be sent the GP’s profile for review.  If no, Cedar Park’s staff chose another set of GP to consider the adoptive family’s profile. The match is only complete when both parties are in agreement and the contracts are signed.

·         Cedar Park offers open, semi-open, or closed adoptions.  Genetic parents participate in the matching in all these scenarios.

·         Adoptive parents receive the following in a genetic parents’ profile:

o   Basic info on embryos – number, developmental stage, date frozen

o   Biography of donating parents

o   Pictures of donating parents and their children, if applicable

o   Medical history

o   All the embryos in the set

 

Additional Facts:

·         Most genetic parents prefer some degree of openness.  This could range from minimal involvement (the GP’s just want active participation in the matching process and notification of any resulting pregnancies) to full openness (GP’s correspond regularly with adoptive family through facebook or email or phone). 

·         Cedar Park will provide post-birth mediation, as desired, between the GP’s and adoptive parents. 

·         Optional counseling is offered to all involved parties.

     
      ·         No selective reduction is allowed.
 
       ·         No surrogates are allowed.

·         Per the Cedar Park contract, adoptive parents are allowed to transfer no more than two embryos per transfer attempt.

Learning how hard to push

Oh look, it's a two for one sort of day!

I've really been struggling with waiting patiently during this matching process.  I trust the matching coordinator has our best interests in mind as she coordinates matches.  But I also know she's busy.  And sometimes busy people lose track of details accidentally.

In order to avoid driving the social worker crazy, I'm only allowing myself one email per week questioning the status of our match.

I'm trying to find the balance between pushing for information and being pesty.

We turned down the first match two weeks ago.  Last week, I was told our profile was out for review.

This week I was more impatient and I asked if we were dealing with just one slow family or had been turned down and were off for consideration by a different family.  (With embryo adoption it seems  both genetic parents and potential adoptive parents typically say yes or no to a profile within a few days.)

Just one slow family.  So my pushing prompted the social worker to push the genetic parents.

And it turns out our matching profile was eaten by their spam folder and they never saw it.

Sigh.

Snowflakes Program Facts (Part 1 of 3)

SNOWFLAKES PROGRAM FACTS

 

Pretty flexible program criteria:

·         Married couples or singles may apply (much smaller pool for singles)

·         Undergo and pass a home study

·         If adoptive mother is older than 45, a doctor’s “permission note,” for lack of a better term, must be provided

 

Program entails:

·         Mutual matching services (more on that later)

·         Embryo adoption services patterned off of their infant adoption program, as relevant

·         Mandatory post-birth record keeping (adoptive family sends updates to agency)

·         Mediation services between both genetic and adoptive parties (optional post birth)

·         Average of one to four month wait for matching.  The more open one’s preferences, the faster the match.

 

Fee Schedule:

·       http://www.nightlight.org/simple-successful-snowflakes/

·         In short, the Snowflakes fee is $8000.  This fee covers matching, counseling, communication mediation, and records keeping.

·         The fee does not cover the required home study, the embryo transfer, or the necessary medications.

·         There is an additional $2000 fee if you need to be rematched (in the event the first set of embryos and subsequent  transfer(s) did not result in live birth).

·         You do not owe Snowflakes anything if there are embryos remaining from your match after a successful pregnancy.  All embryos in a set are considered yours and you may transfer them at a convenient time.  You do need to notify Snowflakes of the outcome of subsequent transfers though.

 

Matching Facts:

·         They have a limited amount of multi-ethnic embryos (there is limited availability of these nationwide – Snowflakes seems to be about average)

·         Mutual matching – the majority of Snowflakes’ matches are considered “mutual matching”.  The Snowflakes’ staff presents genetic parents with a potential adoptive family’s profile.  Snowflakes has already screened both parties ensuring all basic preferences are met.  Genetic parents (GP) say yes or no to match.  If yes, the adoptive family will be sent the GP’s profile for review.  If no, the Snowflakes’ staff chose another set of GP to consider the adoptive family’s profile. The match is only complete when both parties are in agreement and the contracts are signed.

·         The vast majority of adoptions are open, semi-open, or closed.  Genetic parents participate in the matching in these scenarios.

·         A very limited number of donated embryo sets are considered “anonymous”.  In this scenario, the GP’s waive all involvement.

·         Adoptive parents receive the following in a genetic parents’ profile:

o   Basic info on embryos – number, developmental stage, date frozen

o   Biography of donating parents

o   Pictures of donating parents and their children, if applicable

o   Three generations of medical history

o   All the embryos in the set

 

Additional Facts:

·         Most genetic parents prefer an open contract.  This could range from minimal involvement (the GP’s just want active participation in the matching process and notification of any resulting pregnancies) to full openness (GP’s correspond regularly with adoptive family through facebook or email or phone). 

·         Snowflakes offers anonymous, closed, semi-open, and open adoptions.

·         The Snowflakes Program will provide post-birth mediation, as desired, between the GP’s and adoptive parents.  For example, any written correspondence that takes place between my twins’ genetic parents and me is sent through the agency.

·         Post birth records are required to be sent to Snowflakes through the resulting child(ren)’s fifth birthday.  Records are to be sent at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, two years, three years, four years, and at five years.  These records are for Snowflakes, not the genetic parents.

·         No selective reduction is allowed.

·         Surrogates are allowed.

·         While there are no limits to the amount of times you can try to achieve live birth, Snowflakes does encourage you to visit with your doctor if you have not achieved a successful pregnancy after three FET’s.

·         Adoptive parents are strongly advised to transfer no more embryos than one is willing to carry.

Nothing new to report

I'm antsy.  I've been antsy for a while now, just waiting for news, for things to happen. 

Bryan will be transitioning to a different unit.  Soon.  Don't know when.

A handful of local friends may be moving.  Soon.  Maybe.  Don't know when.

We will be matched.  Soon.  Maybe.  Don't know when.

Our tax refund will be in.  Soon.  Don't know when. 



Actually, I do have an idea when we'll receive the tax refund.  I was just continuing with my literary device.  ;-)



I know we're a little harder to match than way back when we started this whole embryo adoption business (2008/2009).  We already have two children and some donating families prefer their embryos to go to families with fewer children. 

We're Catholic and for some placing families that prompts them to run away screaming.  At least, that's how it plays out in my head.  It's probably far less dramatic in real life.

We're military and lead a somewhat transient lifestyle.  Perhaps that scares genetic parents too?

We're seeking a semi-open relationship with the donating family.  I want any resulting children to be able to know their "first parents" (the terminology we've been using) if the child(ren) so desire.  And maybe that frightens off some potential matches also?



It's a real shame my antsy feelings don't translate into spring cleaning.  My house could sure use it.

Action

We're back "in the game" again.  I updated our matching profile and sent it in to the adoption agency today.

I am excited but also a little battle worn.  Each failure or loss marks you in some invisible way.  I now have ten babies in heaven, six of whom graced my womb for at least a little while before journeying onwards.  (Four didn't survive the thawing process.). I guess that means I'm amassing a little army in heaven, praying on our behalf.

In the last two weeks I've learned a few things.

One, I've learned Bryan won't be deploying in the fall.  He transitions in a few months to a different position that's not on a current deployment schedule. Hooray!

Two, I've learned that my miscarriage was not caused by a clotting disorder. All tests came back in the normal range.

These last two weeks I've tried to simplify my life and just enjoy the children I can put my arms around.  Fortunately for me, they're not too old for cuddles.  Although they have developed a fondness for big sloppy kisses.  Do not underestimate their ability to slime you.

I do not know what the future will bring.  I want to learn from the past but not dwell there.  I want to learn to live today in a spirit of hope and joy.