A child-like hope

First off, I want to say thank you for the kind words and prayers following my last post.  I am, a week later, feeling like myself again.  I can smile and laugh and breathe.  Whew.

On to other matters.  Twenty-two days.  Three weeks and one day.  We will meet our next frozen two in just a shade over three weeks.  While the numbers seem fairly close, the proximity of the transfer hasn't quite hit me yet.  Perhaps because I haven't flipped to that calendar month yet.  tomorrow...

The kids have decided to name these two waiting embryos Habeep and Bappio. These are names of their own creation and they're so delighted to add in Habeep and Bappio to our nightly prayer intentions.  I've been informed that Habeep is a boy and Bappio is a girl.

The child-like trust amazes me. Cora and Mac have sincere hope that they will meet their two siblings face to face sometime after their fourth birthday.  (My due date will be August-ish; their birthday is July).

As an adult, I find myself made cautious by prior failings.  I want to qualify everything with an "if" or "maybe".  Instead I am finding myself fascinated by the hope of children. 

Cora and Mac hope and pray completely for their waiting baby seeds.  Though they experienced sorrow with me in May after the failed transfer, their hope is not dampened. 

They hoped in May for siblings that they could meet and hold and snuggle.  And they grieved the loss of those three baby seeds. 

Here we are again, months later, and Cora and Mac can once again hope fully.

Typical adults would hold back some of their hope, their dreams after prior failures.  There is pain following the loss of a dream.  An adult sees that, remembers that, and proceeds forward guarded.  A child sees that, remembers that, and proceeds forward holding nothing back. 

While I teach my children much about the terminology and biology of adoption and embryo adoption, I am learning too.  Learning about love and hope, how to hope fully with my whole being.  And sometimes, I think they are the better teachers.

Keeping it real

Yesterday I took my last birth control dose.  It's just a small little pill but oh my gosh does it wreck havoc on my system.

When I was doing my prep for our May transfer, I noted that the birth control pills turned me into kind of a psycho b*tch.  It could have been the stress of the transfer and our local move too, but I was not pleasant to be around. 

I was so fearful that I would have the same reaction this time.  In the beginning, I didn't.  Nope, I had nausea, a near fainting spell, and more nausea for the first five of the seventeen days.  I experimented with the timing of the pill, hoping maybe I could find the perfect window that would alleviate those symptoms.  Things did improve.

I've been staying busy and didn't really notice that psycho b*tch was coming back.  Apparently she made a more subtle appearance this time.

I realized today that I can't remember the last time I laughed.  And that parenthood is kicking my behind.  And that if I can't handle the drama of two three year olds, how on earth will I be able to handle homeschooling one day.  And I'm so tired all the time, even though I'm sleeping okay at night.  And that I just want to be alone. 

I realized last night that I feel like I have a screw in my back that's being cranked tighter and tighter and tighter. 

I've always been more serious, more melancholic even, but this?  This is not normal me.  This, I realized in the shower tonight, is a depressed hormonal me, resulting from the bcp's. 

My kids have suffered in the lack of a mom who smiles and laughs and rolls with the punches. 

My husband has suffered in the lack of a wife who is considerate and patient.

My parents are visiting and must think that if I can't find joy in my own two kids, why am I seeking more?

And I want to shout, that's not me!  I'm beating on the walls of this glass case I feel trapped within - let me out!  Let me live my life again!



Before you become too concerned for my mental sanity, let me point out that I will be getting some me time tomorrow.  I took my last dose of the bcp's yesterday and hope and PRAY that my sense of humor and ability to breathe return.  I was on the receiving end of quality snuggles with the kids tonight and even got to hold a sleeping child.  Nothing more serene than that.

I have hope that my hormonal and emotional balance will be righted.  Can you spare a prayer or two that God will help me kick psychotic b*tch to the curb?  It's not really a persona I wish to keep around.




PS.  Thank you for your prayers regarding the embryo transport lack of communication.  Communication has been resumed and we're able to move forward.

Increasingly antsy

The clinic contacted me last week so I could get the ball rolling on shipping the embryos from the genetic family's clinic to ours.  I don't have to do much really, just make sure the agency and the clinic are communicating with each other.

Basically, the clinic said, "we're ready!"  (Last Monday)

And I told the agency, "go!" (Last Monday)

And nothing happened.

I did get an email confirming my request for shipment and that someone would be contacting me soon to line it all up.  (Last Tuesday)

Nothing.

I reached out to both clinic and agency last Friday, to see if maybe they were working out details without me.  I'm not the clinic's first Snowflake patient; there is already an established relationship between the two entities.

Nothing.

I emailed the clinic again this morning (Tuesday). Got an answer - shipping coordinator has heard nothing on her end.

I emailed the agency again this morning.

Nothing.

I'll give them one more day and call Thursday.  This is my fourth transfer over the years to orchestrate with the agency so I can honestly say this is uncharacteristic behavior for them.  Regardless, I can't help but wonder, where are my embryos?!

Could you please say a quick prayer that these communication difficulties be resolved quickly?  As my title indicates, I'm getting increasingly antsy.  Thank you!

And We're Off!

First prescription was called in for our next embryo transfer!

Start birth control tomorrow.  Lucky for me, I only have to endure bc for about two weeks and then I get to drop that evil to the curb (based on last time, I'm not a nice person to be around while on bc).  Then, a few days later, I'll start adding in the cocktail of estrogen and, a bit later still, progesterone to ready my womb for our two waiting snowbabies.

Reminder - since we are not doing a natural transfer (one timed precisely with my own cycles), the clinic manipulates my cycles through the use of hormones.  This clinic uses birth control; my Virginia clinic used lupron injections.  Some places use a combination of both lupron and birth control.

November 22 is the day!  Prayer warriors, start your engines!

And, tentatively speaking, it looks like I'll get to do my beta check (first pregnancy test) while we are taking a mini-family vacation.  We've decided to go more for memories rather than items for Christmas this year and are taking the kids to Great Wolf Lodge for one night (thanks Zulily for the discount!).  And as our little trip coincides with my beta test, I'll get to scout out labs in the Dallas area.

I'm in an interesting place mentally.  I've been longing for more children for so long now yet I'm emotionally guarded after our last failed transfer.  There's a big race that I hope to compete in in May if I'm not pregnant.  Yet I want very much to be pregnant.  I want these "baby seeds" to live.  I have no idea what will happen next on our journey to grow our family if this transfer fails or if I miscarry.  Basically, my brain works this way right now:  Option A:  transfer is a success - healthy pregnancy!  Option B:  not pregnant - compete in Spartan Race in May with group of friends. 

Option A is preferred, but Option B sounds like great fun other than the whole "not pregnant" part.  :-/

So I get to wait and see how the future unfolds.  One of these days, I'll really learn just how little control I have over it AND how everything works out okay in the end.

Please don't think I'm equating pregnancy or future motherhood with a race.  Pregnancy is always on my mind but intangible at the moment and for an unknown future length of time.  I just competed in a little mud run at the end of September, that is more "real" to me right now.  Not better by any means, just more tangible.  I can work towards a race - I have more control over that outcome.  A pregnancy?  A successful FET?  Those are things I cannot control, despite my efforts.

So much for a nice, chipper post, sorry about that.  At any rate, we're off again!  Revving up the engines, prepping for embryo transfer number four.  God, please hold those little "baby seeds" in Your hands.  Please hold all of us in Your hands! 

Goverment Shutdown

Today is September 30.  I don't know if the government will shut down.  I don't know if we will receive our October 15 paycheck. 

I am not worried about our absolutely essential expenses.  Yet.  That time could come and come quickly.

Our November embryo transfer is not an essential expense.  And we're scheduled to start those appointments/payments/medications right before that potential delayed paycheck.

Bottomline, if our October 15 paycheck is delayed, the transfer must likewise be delayed.

*hissyfit off in the corner*



A general side note - the inadequacies of the government is forcing my husband to rethink the military as his long term career.  His motivation has never been love for the government or the Army.  The military has paid the bills and provided us reasonable health insurance.  Could you keep working for an employer who doesn't know how or when it'll pay its employees?

And, a side note to the Army, if my husband leaves, you will be loosing a GREAT Soldier.  Yes, I'm biased (I'm the wife, I'm supposed to be).  But I also know what his semi-annual or annual evaluative reports say.  And he is a GREAT Soldier.

Conflict and the Eventual Resolution

Sorry for the absence.  I fully intended to hope back on with a "Biology Part II" right away.  And that entry does exist.  In the recesses of my brain.

I'm normally a keep quiet, don't over-commit myself sort of person so I can preserve a precious balance at home.  Well, something happened and I keep starting things.  Once I get into October, I'll have a little more perspective and a little more peace, but right now I'm starting a preschool co-op, restarting the Moms' Study Group at church, coordinating a group for an upcoming mud run, and trying to pull our adoption plans from the back burner back to the forefront.  And a couple other little things thrown in too (like finding an ipad game that I'll actually play, err, get totally sucked into (Mathdoku) and the ever present reading for entertainment).  So the ole blog has been a wee bit neglected lately.

Anyway...

Back to the title of this entry:  Conflict and the Eventual Resolution.

Once upon a time, way back in 2008, my hubby and I started the adoption process with our first home study.  And though we agreed on many many points, we disagreed on levels of racial openness.  Our disagreement was a thorn in my side.  Perhaps it should be more apt to say Bryan's inability to accept my point of view as his own caused great discord.  Hey, I'm just being honest here.

Time passed.

The topic of racial openness in adoption has come up again and again over the years.  I must admit, rather than trying to hear out my husband's point of view, I frequently just took everything he said as a personal offense. 

It wasn't.  And his views were valid.  I still disagreed, but I eventually matured to a point that I could see the validity of his opinion.

I think the last time we really hashed out this argument was around our last home study and beginning of our matching process this time around, so late 2012 or early 2013.  And we STILL DISAGREED. 

I did something most unusual for me - I stopped talking about it.  I stopped trying to force him to change his mind.  Instead, I began to pray that when the time was right, he would be open.

Time passed.

A week and a half ago, I read a blog advertising an urgent need for home study qualified adoptive parents.  I followed up on the situation:  an African American baby girl was just born and needed adoptive parents immediately.  Adoptive costs would be between 25k to 30k.

My heart just sunk. 

I still presented the information to Bryan assuming I knew what his response would be.  And I was right.  And wrong.  We don't have that sort of money.  We don't have enough resources to compile that sort of money.  It just wasn't going to happen.  (That's the part I was right on.)

But then I got my proverbial socks knocked off me.  Money was the ONLY STICKING POINT in that scenario; race was not an issue.  And, in further conversation with Bryan, it seemed as if this was old news to him and he had just accidentally forgotten to tell me that we were now on the same page. (!!!!!)

Long story short, we didn't move forward on that scenario but I was reminded once again to never underestimate the power of prayer (though the answers often come in their own time).

Biology - part one

I follow a handful of embryo adoption blogs and know that there are a variety of things that the donating couple could be called without incurring much debate:  genetic parents, donating couple, donors...  With embryo adoption, unlike the other traditional forms of adoption, the genetic parents are not the birth parents.  The adoptive parents are the birth parents and that's so cut and dried that there's no grounds for debate on that terminology.

And then you get to the word "biological".  Que discussion.


Option A:  "Biological" can be used interchangeably with "genetic".

Example:  Cora and Mac are not my biological children.  They do not share my genes, my DNA.



Option B:  Biological is tied in with the gestational experience and birth.

Example:  Cora and Mac are my biological children; we shared the biological experience of gestation and birth.  They are who they are today in part because of how my body grew them.



The distinction is not quite as clear cut as one may believe due to a concept called "epigenetics".  Essentially, the woman who carries the pregnancy is more than just a vessel.  In the somewhat recent history of scientific discoveries, researchers have discovered that there are connections formed between the child(ren) in utero and the mother, beyond the inherited DNA.  Everything put into the pregnant woman's body influences the development of the embryos.

I know that we adopted embryos, but I've found clearer wording from egg donation sources.  The following quote is still relevant because in both scenarios, material is introduced in to a woman's body that is genetically foreign. 

Freedom Pharmacy has a booklet about egg donation (p. 10):

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

Another source elaborates further on the impact of epigenetics and well, egg donation, but, as I said earlier, it's relevant in the discussion of embryo adoption too.

"Genes must be ‘expressed’ within an individual in order to have an effect.

"The same gene or genes can express in a number of different ways depending upon the environment. A gene can remain ’silent’ or unexpressed; it can be expressed strongly; it can be expressed weakly, and so on. There is also an entire field of study called imprinting having to do with which gene you ‘activate,’ the copy you received from your mother, or the copy you received from your father.

"The field of epigenetics studies these phenomenon, and popular journalism is just starting to write about it. While the Human Genome Project was still underway, we usually heard genes referred to as ‘the Bible’ of the human being, as a kind of absolute truth concerning the fundamental nature of the
individual.

"That is now changing.

"In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of thedonor-egg baby’s genes.

"A donor egg baby gets her genes from the donor; she gets the‘instructions’ on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term.

"This means that a donor egg baby has 3 biological parents: a father, the egg donor, and the woman who carries the pregnancy.

"The child who is born would have been a physically & no doubt emotionally different person if carried by his genetic mother.

"In horse breeding for example, it’s not uncommon to implant a pony embryo into the womb of a horse.  The foals that result, are different from normal ponies.They’re bigger. These animals’ genotype – their genes – are the same as a pony’s, but their phenotype – what their genes actually look like in the living animal – is different."


I kind of have mixed feelings about all of this but am struggling to put my thoughts into words.  So, for now I'll ask, what do you think?